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Hello! It has been weeks since I last updated my blog. I have so many things in mind so here I am now ranting and rambling about everything and anything AGAIN. As I said on my earlier post I underwent some circumstances that changed my life. I actually do not know how to start this but for the sake of clearing things up and to stop people from making stories and asking me what the hell happened I have to speak and tell them what went wrong in my almost perfect LOVE and LIFE.
The story goes around Me, my boyfriend, Charles and my best friend, Lloyd.The two most important men in my life.The Men I love the most.
This is only about what really happened on the three of us. What is currently happening to us is for my next entry. okay?So here's how the story goes:
Once upon my life, Around November-December 2008, Charles and I are constantly having petty arguments.That moment, I couldn't understand him anymore. For some months, I stood with the fact that he has stolid attitude and that he isn't the showy type of guy but He was not the same Charles I loved so much. He changed. I thought to myself that maybe I just have to understand him, As his first girlfriend I MUST understand him. So that is what I did I understood him in every conflicts we had but to tell you the truth, our petty nonsense arguments lead to the point that I felt that he doesn't love me anymore, I felt I was unappreciated, I felt that I was the only one loving and trying to make our relationship work . At first EVERYTHING was bearable I know this is normal in every relationship but not until he made me very disappointed and everything I felt became worst. The feeling that he does not love me anymore was unbearable in my mind and in my heart. Those times, I soothed comfort from my best friend, Lloyd. I always turned to him every time my life goes wrong. He was always there every time I am at my worst.It was Christmas season, What do you expect? Giving and receiving gifts are th e most common things. As a girlfriend, You expect the most gift from your only love, your boyfriend. It was our Batch Party and Everyone was giving gifts to one another, I received no gift from him. Before the Batch Party, I asked him my gift whereabouts His answer made me VERY DISAPPOINTED.
" Hindi ako nakabili eh, Wala kasi ako maisip. Sorry. " Bang! The moment he said that I felt anxiety inside me. The feeling of sadness and disappointment was in me and the feeling that he doesnt love me anymore was the only thought in my mind. Alam ko nawalan siya ng time, He was busy in his badminton sessions. Hindi niya naman kailangan mag sinungaling, kung sinabi niya naman yung totoo, maiintindihan ko naman eh. I thought at first that maybe he has something better or something more romantic or somewhat like a big or small surprise. I anticipated and I was hurt for some reasons. I was wrong. Imagine. He was the only one who knew me very well. He was the only one who knows what I want and what I need. He knows every single details about me and just giving a single gift he cant even think of anything? but he did gave me a gift on Christmas day,It was so sweet of him to dropby our house with his dad just to give me the gift. I was touched by what he did but I think it is because I demanded him or I pressured him to give me a gift. Frankly, I will and I can understand it if his reasons was financial but it wasn't that way so I was convinced that he has no efforts in our relationship anymore and that he doesn't love me anymore. That feelings made me stepped away from him. I felt UNAPPRECIATED. Ang babaw diba? pero ang laki ng nawala. Something was missing, really missing. May kulang.Alam niya na nagkukulang siya. Alam niya na nahihirapan na ako. I talked to my best friend to ease things out. I soothed comfort again but this time it turned to confession.
REWIND.
Early November, A friend very close to me, Charles and Lloyd approached me and talked to me about her perspectives in Lloyd's real feelings towards me. I am not going into details but to sum things up she told me that she feels that my best friend likes or loves me not only as a best friend. " Feeling ko, Mahal ka ni Lloyd. " I was really shocked when she told me about it. My best friend loving me had never crossed my mind but Before she told me about this I actually noticed that there is something about the way he looks at me and his spontaneous text messages and his actions and his words. I convinced myself so hard that it was nothing. I did not assumed but as days went by all I ever think about was him. Him and his real feelings towards me. I just cant stop myself. Do I need to say Sorry?
Since that disappointment happened I admit that my love for Charles subsided even since we were always arguing about petty nonsense things. He knows that my love for him was subsiding. I lost interest in loving him more. I barely gave up. I told him everything. I was honest. I was always honest. I never lied about how I feel. He did changed it was good for him to change but It wasn't enough for me. He wasnt like that before. I have many demands but supplies were scarce. I fed up. but I tried reviving everything. I tried reviving my love for him but he wasn't helping me. In fact he made everything worst. I felt hopeless. My love subsided maybe because of his fault and my own fault. His fault because of his Stolid attitude and my fault because I did not understand him or maybe I forgot to understand him or maybe I got sick and tired of understanding him. Which is Which?
Rewind.
Since the day my friend told me that my best friend loves me. I was always curious. I always think about him and his real feelings, It never really went out my mind. Its what I think about constantly then later on my feelings started to change, later on I found myself thinking of him all the time. It was hard to admit at first but I just cant escape from it. I cant help it. It was hurtful to admit that It was Lloyd who I think about constantly and not Charles anymore. I know It was wrong. Everything was wrong but it felt so right. I tried stopping myself, I tried controlling everything but I simply failed. One night of December 2008, I confronted Lloyd. I asked him straight, I asked him if he loves me more than a best friend and his answer strucked me, He loves me so much more than a best friend. He loves me, For Real.
Charles and I talked and tried to fix things. I told him about how I feel every time we argue over nonsense\petty things. I told him that he is changing and that he isnt the same man I loved before. I told him my love for him was subsiding. I was honest. I told him I fed up and I wanted to give up. He said sorry and that he is willing to change. He wants and He will make our relationship work again. He made me believe again. He made me fall all over again. I expected again from him. For that moment I tried to forget about my other feelings. I fooled myself into thinking that EVERYTHING will be back to normal again. I fooled myself into thinking that EVERYTHING will be alright again. I fooled myself that I am not falling apart and I am not falling for my best friend. I tried to focus on Charles but the feeling of anxiety still remains inside me. Tanga na kung Tanga. I guess I have to hurt myself emotionally just to be HAPPY, Real happy. I love Charles so much but his actions are making me fall apart. I tried to hold on. We were okay the next few days after our talk but not until before the year ends. We broke up unofficially in new year's day JUST because he got jealous of a guy who liked me before. I wont go into details anymore. Take note, Liked me not likes me. Past tense. "Naiirita na ako sayo, hiwalayan mo na ako." sabi niya. ang babaw noh? then My feelings for him subsided. My best friend talked to me after our unofficial break up.
Rewind.
Since the day I confronted Lloyd. We were constantly talking to each other. He made me happy all the time. He made me laughed when I do not even want to smile. I was happy with him. I am always happy with him. He filled in the spaces that Charles couldn't fill. I guess that was my biggest mistake. Still close to him even though I know I am falling for him and letting him love me. What can I do? The more I fool myself, The more I want him. I feel happy with him. He's my best friend. My only best friend. I was scared to lose him. I was very scared to lose him and very scared to hurt him. Charles and Lloyd are the two most important men in my life and I just cant afford to lose them or even one of them. I do not want to hurt the both of them. I didn't know what to do. I became selfish and I did not think about how they feel and how they will feel.
Charles and I were back together the next day and that is because of my best friend, He talked to me and convinced me to give Charles another chance, He stopped me from giving up on Charles, He convinced me to love Charles again but As days went by I became cold and cruel to Charles. I changed this time, Ako naman ang nagbago. January 2009, We started arguing about petty and nonsense things all over again. I treated him badly. I became a bad girlfriend. Naguguluhan ako nung time na yun. Gulong Gulo ang isipan ko. I didn't know what to do or what I should do. I know I have to choose but I just cant choose because its a choice between the two most important men in my life or I'd rather say because I already love my best friend for real. I never wanted to lie to Charles. I never lied to Charles. So I told him everything. I told him everything that happened. as in everything. I told him about my feelings. I told him that I think I love my best friend for real but unsure about how I feel.
and again:
This is only about what really happened on the three of us. What is currently happening to us , What is our families views, our friends reactions, the answer if Lloyd's love is real and the way I feel about everything is for my next entry.
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Hello! It has been weeks since I last updated my blog. I have so many things in mind so here I am now ranting and rambling about everything and anything AGAIN. As I said on my earlier post I underwent some circumstances that changed my life. I actually do not know how to start this but for the sake of clearing things up and to stop people from making stories and asking me what the hell happened I have to speak and tell them what went wrong in my almost perfect LOVE and LIFE.
The story goes around Me, my boyfriend, Charles and my best friend, Lloyd.The two most important men in my life.The Men I love the most.
This is only about what really happened on the three of us. What is currently happening to us is for my next entry. okay?So here's how the story goes:
Once upon my life, Around November-December 2008, Charles and I are constantly having petty arguments.That moment, I couldn't understand him anymore. For some months, I stood with the fact that he has stolid attitude and that he isn't the showy type of guy but He was not the same Charles I loved so much. He changed. I thought to myself that maybe I just have to understand him, As his first girlfriend I MUST understand him. So that is what I did I understood him in every conflicts we had but to tell you the truth, our petty nonsense arguments lead to the point that I felt that he doesn't love me anymore, I felt I was unappreciated, I felt that I was the only one loving and trying to make our relationship work . At first EVERYTHING was bearable I know this is normal in every relationship but not until he made me very disappointed and everything I felt became worst. The feeling that he does not love me anymore was unbearable in my mind and in my heart. Those times, I soothed comfort from my best friend, Lloyd. I always turned to him every time my life goes wrong. He was always there every time I am at my worst.It was Christmas season, What do you expect? Giving and receiving gifts are th e most common things. As a girlfriend, You expect the most gift from your only love, your boyfriend. It was our Batch Party and Everyone was giving gifts to one another, I received no gift from him. Before the Batch Party, I asked him my gift whereabouts His answer made me VERY DISAPPOINTED.
" Hindi ako nakabili eh, Wala kasi ako maisip. Sorry. " Bang! The moment he said that I felt anxiety inside me. The feeling of sadness and disappointment was in me and the feeling that he doesnt love me anymore was the only thought in my mind. Alam ko nawalan siya ng time, He was busy in his badminton sessions. Hindi niya naman kailangan mag sinungaling, kung sinabi niya naman yung totoo, maiintindihan ko naman eh. I thought at first that maybe he has something better or something more romantic or somewhat like a big or small surprise. I anticipated and I was hurt for some reasons. I was wrong. Imagine. He was the only one who knew me very well. He was the only one who knows what I want and what I need. He knows every single details about me and just giving a single gift he cant even think of anything? but he did gave me a gift on Christmas day,It was so sweet of him to dropby our house with his dad just to give me the gift. I was touched by what he did but I think it is because I demanded him or I pressured him to give me a gift. Frankly, I will and I can understand it if his reasons was financial but it wasn't that way so I was convinced that he has no efforts in our relationship anymore and that he doesn't love me anymore. That feelings made me stepped away from him. I felt UNAPPRECIATED. Ang babaw diba? pero ang laki ng nawala. Something was missing, really missing. May kulang.Alam niya na nagkukulang siya. Alam niya na nahihirapan na ako. I talked to my best friend to ease things out. I soothed comfort again but this time it turned to confession.
REWIND.
Early November, A friend very close to me, Charles and Lloyd approached me and talked to me about her perspectives in Lloyd's real feelings towards me. I am not going into details but to sum things up she told me that she feels that my best friend likes or loves me not only as a best friend. " Feeling ko, Mahal ka ni Lloyd. " I was really shocked when she told me about it. My best friend loving me had never crossed my mind but Before she told me about this I actually noticed that there is something about the way he looks at me and his spontaneous text messages and his actions and his words. I convinced myself so hard that it was nothing. I did not assumed but as days went by all I ever think about was him. Him and his real feelings towards me. I just cant stop myself. Do I need to say Sorry?
Since that disappointment happened I admit that my love for Charles subsided even since we were always arguing about petty nonsense things. He knows that my love for him was subsiding. I lost interest in loving him more. I barely gave up. I told him everything. I was honest. I was always honest. I never lied about how I feel. He did changed it was good for him to change but It wasn't enough for me. He wasnt like that before. I have many demands but supplies were scarce. I fed up. but I tried reviving everything. I tried reviving my love for him but he wasn't helping me. In fact he made everything worst. I felt hopeless. My love subsided maybe because of his fault and my own fault. His fault because of his Stolid attitude and my fault because I did not understand him or maybe I forgot to understand him or maybe I got sick and tired of understanding him. Which is Which?
Rewind.
Since the day my friend told me that my best friend loves me. I was always curious. I always think about him and his real feelings, It never really went out my mind. Its what I think about constantly then later on my feelings started to change, later on I found myself thinking of him all the time. It was hard to admit at first but I just cant escape from it. I cant help it. It was hurtful to admit that It was Lloyd who I think about constantly and not Charles anymore. I know It was wrong. Everything was wrong but it felt so right. I tried stopping myself, I tried controlling everything but I simply failed. One night of December 2008, I confronted Lloyd. I asked him straight, I asked him if he loves me more than a best friend and his answer strucked me, He loves me so much more than a best friend. He loves me, For Real.
Charles and I talked and tried to fix things. I told him about how I feel every time we argue over nonsense\petty things. I told him that he is changing and that he isnt the same man I loved before. I told him my love for him was subsiding. I was honest. I told him I fed up and I wanted to give up. He said sorry and that he is willing to change. He wants and He will make our relationship work again. He made me believe again. He made me fall all over again. I expected again from him. For that moment I tried to forget about my other feelings. I fooled myself into thinking that EVERYTHING will be back to normal again. I fooled myself into thinking that EVERYTHING will be alright again. I fooled myself that I am not falling apart and I am not falling for my best friend. I tried to focus on Charles but the feeling of anxiety still remains inside me. Tanga na kung Tanga. I guess I have to hurt myself emotionally just to be HAPPY, Real happy. I love Charles so much but his actions are making me fall apart. I tried to hold on. We were okay the next few days after our talk but not until before the year ends. We broke up unofficially in new year's day JUST because he got jealous of a guy who liked me before. I wont go into details anymore. Take note, Liked me not likes me. Past tense. "Naiirita na ako sayo, hiwalayan mo na ako." sabi niya. ang babaw noh? then My feelings for him subsided. My best friend talked to me after our unofficial break up.
Rewind.
Since the day I confronted Lloyd. We were constantly talking to each other. He made me happy all the time. He made me laughed when I do not even want to smile. I was happy with him. I am always happy with him. He filled in the spaces that Charles couldn't fill. I guess that was my biggest mistake. Still close to him even though I know I am falling for him and letting him love me. What can I do? The more I fool myself, The more I want him. I feel happy with him. He's my best friend. My only best friend. I was scared to lose him. I was very scared to lose him and very scared to hurt him. Charles and Lloyd are the two most important men in my life and I just cant afford to lose them or even one of them. I do not want to hurt the both of them. I didn't know what to do. I became selfish and I did not think about how they feel and how they will feel.
Charles and I were back together the next day and that is because of my best friend, He talked to me and convinced me to give Charles another chance, He stopped me from giving up on Charles, He convinced me to love Charles again but As days went by I became cold and cruel to Charles. I changed this time, Ako naman ang nagbago. January 2009, We started arguing about petty and nonsense things all over again. I treated him badly. I became a bad girlfriend. Naguguluhan ako nung time na yun. Gulong Gulo ang isipan ko. I didn't know what to do or what I should do. I know I have to choose but I just cant choose because its a choice between the two most important men in my life or I'd rather say because I already love my best friend for real. I never wanted to lie to Charles. I never lied to Charles. So I told him everything. I told him everything that happened. as in everything. I told him about my feelings. I told him that I think I love my best friend for real but unsure about how I feel.
and again:
This is only about what really happened on the three of us. What is currently happening to us , What is our families views, our friends reactions, the answer if Lloyd's love is real and the way I feel about everything is for my next entry.
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Real Name: Mary Angelbelle S. Dizon
Age: 17
Birth Date: September 19, 1992
School: Centro Escolar University
Course: Dentistry
I am Mary Angel but call me Ella. My BLOG documents my Bittersweet Life as a University Student, an intimidating Friend, a Loving Daughter, a Sweet Girlfriend and an Independent G I R L. This is my Web Journal where in all my thoughts, craves, rants and happenings in my life are posted. Constructive Criticism are highly appreciated! ♥
University Student ○ I am currently taking up DENTISTRY which is one of the difficult and the most expensive majors. At first, It was hard dealing with college life, the subjects along with the lessons and its quizzes and projects and of course, the professors and the grades, block mates and the school itself. but as the days go by all the pressure and pleasure, fun, hardships, trials and updates about being a College Student have a sense of fulfillment in the end! :)
Intimidating Friend ○ What is Friend? For me Friend is someone you have that knows how to deal with your drama in life. Someone who accepts you for who you are, Someone who isn't afraid of telling you your wrong doings, Someone who will never turn their back in spite of your mood swings and attitude problems. Someone who will always settle things with you. That's how I define FRIEND. You? How do you define FRIENDSHIP?
Loving Daughter ○ I love my family so much. They are the foundation of my own self. I am the eldest among the family. At this point of time, Pressure of being the eldest do not conquer me, YET. When I was younger, my grandmother nurtured me and took care of me when my Mom was away and still, nurturing and taking care of me at this point of time even Mom is already here for us. I owe my grandmother so much. Though I was spoiled by her in many ways and sometimes unintentionally made things difficult for her because of my wrong doings I still go back and make it up to her. She became a Mother, a Father and a Grandmother to me all at the same time. She's my inspiration in life.
Sweet Girlfriend ○ Oh yes, I am into a long term relationship right now, with my Best Friend. You read it right. Best Friends turned Lovers. Being in love with your best friend is good and easy and being in a relationship with your Best friend isn't better but the BEST! Friendship is a very good foundation of LOVE and I am very much happy to have a relationship with friendship as a foundation but of course, just like any love, Trials and Challenges still come along our way but everything's worth it.
My Dad once told me how they got my name. He said, When mom was laboring, He prayed to Mama Mary and the Angels for Mom's guidance. That's how I got, Mary Angel, from Mama Mary and the Angels and the Belle? Well, Dad said he got that from Mom's name: Bel.
Yes I know, I have a very long name. Haha.
Ella.
For the obvious fact that I have a very long name, I had difficulty choosing a name to call me, a nickname. Before it was Belle, then it turned to Elle and finally, I settled for one, ELLA. I love that name ever since. It was hard convincing people to call me Ella because they are all used to call me ANGEL but I know they'll get used to it. :)
- I was born 10:36 am at Olivarez Hospital, Paranaque.
- Christened at St. Andrew Church, Paranaque.
- I am the Eldest Child.
- I am the Eldest Grandchild.
- I am the Eldest Great Grandchild.
- I have no full siblings. - Unica Hija of my Parents but I have siblings on both sides now. :)
- I have two handsome brothers and one pretty sister ( Maternal ). - named Simon, Samuel and Sarah. I love them so much!
- I have a beautiful mother. - Of course, kanino pa ba ako magmamana? :)
- I have a boyfriend. - named Lloyd Philip Hamilton-brown Frilles. He's my bestfriend before he became my boyfriend. Cool right? :D
- Primary: El Nino de Salambao Academy, Paranaque
- Elementary: ENDSA and MES, BES.
- High School: PNHS, Angelicum College, Quezon City
- Academic and Special Awards: Best in Art (Kinder), Best in Science (Elementary) 1st runner up Miss Agham (Elementary), Most Courteous (Elementary), 2nd honorable mention (Elementary), Two 4th honorable mention (Elementary). (I had no awards in High school, AC is a non graded institution. )
- College: Centro Escolar University, Manila - Taking up Dentistry and currently on my 2nd year.
- Independent - I take care of myself, alone.
- Optimistic - I see things on the bright side whenever I have a problem.
- Sweet - I am sweet when it comes to the people I care about. So dont get me wrong.
- Loving - as much as possible I try showing my love but when I dont see anything in return, I might bounce back.
- Sarcastic - I use this to defend my self.
- Frank - When you get into my nerves I could tell the most hurtful word to you. " I say what I mean and mean what I say. "
- Vain - Well, I guess its just a part of being a GIRL.
- Stubborn - Yes. Very Stubborn and Bossy. I want what I want. ( You can ask my mom.)
- Dancer - I love dancing ever since. I just dont have that much passion to get into it.
- Wild - Wild in a sense that I am game for anything. :)
- Spoiled - I was spoiled when I was younger. Before, My grandparents almost give everything I want and need and that was lots of love! I am still spoiled right now, by Lloyd.
- Bitch - I hate people who hurts people's feelings. I stand up for them and that makes me a bitch to you.
- Opinionated - Beware: My opinion contains sarcasm, well not all the time. :D
- Health Freak - I am very much concern when it comes to my body. My hate list includes: Alcohol and Smoke, any kind of smoke.
- Confident - I believe Confidence is one of the most important attitudes of being a person without it you cannot achieve what you want.
- Loud - Only with my friends!
- Moody - Yes, Especially PMS days. My mood swings to one mood to another. At least, Lloyd can handle it. : p
- Sporty - I play badminton. I love swimming and hiking.
- Hard chick - I kick ass! : p
- Outgoing - Is wild and outgoing the same? :D
- Elegant - Simple yet Elegant, that's me! :D
- Mean - Yes, especially if you are also mean to me. I am meaner.
- High Maintenance - Very. Especially when it comes to myself. I have a high standard to the point that people get mad at me because of how I act. I just love myself so much, you know.
- Bestfriends turned Lovers - We were best friends for more than 2 years before we actually had love feelings for each other. The feeling was mutual.
- It wasn't easy - It was really hard because I had a current relationship back then. The story? Here.
- Months of Trials and Hardships - Before we moved in to the next stage, We went through ups and downs to finally be together and I gave him so much challenges to prove himself to me. It was really hard because I was always misunderstood by people and sadly, my own friends for giving him hard time and extreme difficulties and for the fact that my grandmother wont approve to our relationship that time made it all worst but later, my grandmother did understood me.
- April 29, 2009 - We became Official. :) I finally ended all his miseries. ( As if it was very hard. Hahaha ) The story? Here.
- Blissful - For me, A relationship with your best friend is the most blissful relationship. It maybe hard for us at the start but the reward of trials and hardships is incomparable. Why? Its all because of FRIENDSHIP! The foundation of your love is friendship. I tell you, In a relationship like this you have to be open and optimistic. Just like any relationship, this also have downfalls but if you think ahead and look into the brighter side you can surpass anything that gets into your way. Remember: Do not get afraid of committing just because you are afraid of losing the friendship. You have to take the risk if you want to be happy. Truly HAPPY. :)
PERSONAL.
- My Family - My Dad, Mom, Simon, Sarah, Samuel and my Grandmother. :)
- Lloyd! ♥
- Pancho - My 4 year old mini pincher. He's my baby dog!
- Hello Kitty - I love her ever since. GAAAH. Give me more kitties.
- Butterflies
FOOD.
- Dimsum
- Sushi
- Pasta
- Bulalo
- Beef Steak
- Sarsa Iglesia
- Buttered Crab and Shrimp
- Corn
- Mango and Strawberry
- Desserts
- Anything that my lola cooks. ♥
TECHY.
- Cybershot Camera
- iPhone
iPodUnderwater CameraPSPNokia N70- Laptop
- Subaru Impreza WRX or Mazda 3
PLACES.
- My Bedroom - My heaven.
- Puerto Galera
Cebu - Lived here for three years.
Bohol - I saw dolphins here! :)
- Palawan
Hongkong - I love ocean park.
- Japan - Madaming Hello kitty dito!! GAAAHH.
- Korea
- Paris
- Enchanted Kingdom - 1st anniversary plan. ♥
- Cockroaches - as in capital I-P-I-S!
- Pollution - Pollution makes me poor. I waste all my money for a taxi fare just because I hate smokes so much. It gives me headache. Grrr. Cant the authorities do something about it?
- Cigarette's smoke - Nahihilo ako.
- Dance Club - Not that I hate dancing and mingling with people. I just hate loud music. It gives me migraine.
- Coward - People who cant even face me. As in face to face and just keep on talking behind my back are pathetic.
- Walk out - I hate it how people walk out when they are face to something they cant stand.
I know this is pretty long but still,
I'm happy I was able to express myself in words. :D
- Ella Dizon
" Doll Outside, Devil Inside. "
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Ella. εїз 17. Independent. Virgo. Eldest. Taken. Escolarian. Optimistic. Sweet. Frank. Vain. Spoiled. Opinionated. Confident. Loud. Moody. Outgoing. Girly. Elegant. Mean.
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Blogger: Ella Dizon
Browser: Mozilla Firefox
Screen resolution: 1280 x 800 pixels
Host: Blogger
Layout: Indie Devotee
Done by: Victoria
Merry Christmas Everyone!
School Update.
Condo mo O Grades mo?
One step away from the partial list.
I'm Back.
Saturday is a day with the Gaw family.
Friday Night is a Family Day.
OFFLINE.
Tour to my Room.
Blog reviews.
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Major change.
